My House Job Vocabulary List
House Officer — a.k.a HO. A paid slave who is required to work very hard to satisfy the patients and chiefs. He/she is on the bottom rung of the ladder and is the first port of call regarding patient clinical decision making. This slave job comes with a provisional license (valid for one year) and requires the doctor to be trained under supervision. That way, they cannot be held accountable for wrong medical decisions. He/she is almost never praised until when signed out and there is a vacuum to be filled or when the replacement is worse.
Chief — Any known superior in the medical profession. The title comes in handy when you can’t remember a colleague’s name. A Consultant is chief to all. A Senior Registrar is chief to a Registrar and HO. A Registrar is chief to the HO. A HO is chief to….? Lol.
Stuff — The evidence of medical acumen and sometimes eidetic memory. To recall with high precision what others have learnt but forgotten, or do not know at all. Stuff can be further described with adjectives, for example, pure, small, non-clotting, or purulent to portray its nature.
Tissue — The art of disappearing to meet private needs or for the sake of it, when there is work to be done. This is a necessary skill to acquire in house job as there may not be ‘proper’ time to eat or sleep or run personal errands.
Tissue factor — Someone who tissues frequently and noticeably. You can be sure this person will hardly deliver on any given task or assignment.
Transfusion — a.k.a bolus infusion. This is the payment of multiple months salary at once to an employee who has worked the same duration without pay. It is a lifesaving maneuver to dismiss hunger and depression for the doctor involved, and to ‘save face’ for the government who prior to the transfusion has been embarrassed by the media.
Alert — The pulsatile notification of salary payment(s) typically sharp in character. It is eagerly awaited, associated with joy, and a cure for financial anaemia.
Morning Review — A time frame, typically 8 am to 9 am, where doctors at all levels within a department gather to review clinical activities. It is the perfect setting for the display of stuff, analysis of misdiagnosis, and cause of death where applicable. Chronic latecomers are easily identifiable as those who walk in with pseudo-shyness close to the end of the review.
Call — The hospital runs for 24 hours non-stop meaning that doctors on-call work from 4 pm till 8 am the next day. Some can be stressful or ‘flexing’ depending on patient influx, department, and senior doctors on call. There is usually a departmental schedule with people hoping not to be on call during public holidays which will mean a 24-hour shift similar to a weekend call.
Call room — A place within the hospital where on-call doctors can stay with minimum comfort. It is also used as a lounge area, meeting spot, gist hub, sleep-in room, and a likely setting for community transmission of covid-19 between colleagues.
Clerking — The science of getting to know a colleague, for the purpose of establishing an intimate relationship. History here can be taken directly from the person-of-interest or from external sources.
Press conference — A gathering of doctor friends (usually the brotherhood) for the purpose of relieving work stress with some ‘green bottles’. Some say it is beneficial while others believe otherwise — moving forward, a proper investigation will be needed for an accurate diagnosis.
HOQ — House Officers’ Quarters. This is where interns reside. Classification is based on comfort level and surrounding scenery as follows:
1. Mediterranean — Houses state-employed HOs. Looking like a forest reserve, it is noted for rodents, reptiles, and malignant mosquitoes. Human occupants have to provide for themselves while making do with irregular power and water supply. A visit at night reminds one of a pitch-black horror scene. Security is mainly spiritual — with HOs staying under the Lord’s wings.
2. Europe — An improvement on the former. Frequently crowded with squatters (from you know where) with fairly ok interior and not-so-ok exterior. Water supply is intermittent but light is fairly stable. Its location within the hospital is also a plus.
3. America — Named after the world power, it surpasses the other residences in elegance and prestige. Also within the hospital premises, your ‘connect’ has to be strong to get accommodation in America. It is the best place to stay or ‘holiday in’.
